My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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