the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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