You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
