Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
