I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
