respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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