I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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