Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
