My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize
