I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
