I cockslap morals
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize