the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
