im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
