the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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