Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
