he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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