I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
