woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Randomize
