What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
