he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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