What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize