i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
My penis needs a shock collar
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
