She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
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