You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
