I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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