I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
