In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Ambien. No doubt about it.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
