I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
