Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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