I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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