I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
You are a genius and a whore.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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