I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
