If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
