He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
