i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
