well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I intend to get homeless drunk
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I just forgot I was standing up.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
