I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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