we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Randomize
