I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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