everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say đ
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