what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
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