life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Randomize
