somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
