He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Randomize
