I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
