I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
God, I missed his penis.
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