I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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