just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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