dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
