Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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