from now on my penis is your penis
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
