Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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