I wish I could punch you in the face.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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