Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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