The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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