You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Randomize
