i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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