i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
