uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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