just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
